@GrowlyGrego: A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn't have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking...presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, "That's not your left foot" a billion times.
@ItsAndyRyan: The English language lacks a word to mean "To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them".
@Home_Halfway: JOSH: Hey dad DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh JOSH: Um yeah DAD: We're changing it JOSH: No please don- DAD: It's done ERIC: What the
@AbrasiveGhost: [at wife's funeral] Son: At least shes in heaven now Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don't know shit about your mom