Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
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When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
asked my bf how work was today
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…