There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
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Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
man i love columbo
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her: