@Brampersandon_: A new study finds that chicken isn't as healthy for you as once thought. "Just don't ask to see our data" clucked one feathered researcher.
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@HockeyTornado: I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don't want people to recognize me when I'm pooping.
@ShutUpThatsWho: Freddie Mercury: I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I'M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
@LionJenkins: I measure my kids' ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
@NotthatAdamWest: The FBI's security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.