family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
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excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate