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@donni: A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
@aLunchBox: Ignorant person: "You're Canadian. You live in igloos, right?"
Me: "You're American. You live in McDonalds', Right?
@chimneyspotter: I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as "when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink"
@HuffPostComedy: 14 Valentine's Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
@armenianhbilly: A fat racist and a skinny racist jump off a cliff. Who wins? Society
@geo_teira: [at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma'am, that's the continental drift breakfast.