A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
You Might Also Like
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
called in thicc to work this morning
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.