When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
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Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!