A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
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I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Worst Native American name ever.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.