A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
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As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I needed a laugh this morning.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?