A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
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[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
A classic…
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.