@GaryJanetti: A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.
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@david8hughes: Cop: we know you're in there. Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France. Cop: when will you be back? Me: je ne comprends pas
@KeetPotato: wife: "you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings" me: [covering penguin's ears] "he can hear you linda"
@AdamWeinstein: "WE HERE AT BIG PHARMA RECOGNIZE THAT WHEN YOU'RE DEPENDENT ON ADDICTIVE OPIOID PAINKILLERS YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOU CAN'T POOP"
@TheToddWilliams: [The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.] KID: I'm hungry DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food