People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
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Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]