BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
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A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.