@juliussharpe: A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they're like, "Why are you showing me photos? I'm a dog."
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@sixfootcandy: Him: Let’s go out tonight. Me: It’s a work night and very late. Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday. Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
@MummaCrazy: "Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on.." [rubs up against your leg] "that's better" -cats
@RandomlyMJ: Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.