I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?