them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
You Might Also Like
Waiting for the Charmin
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
“No way.” -Jose
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is