A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
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My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
an airline just for babies.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right