A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
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gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
u spoke cat all this time??????
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
is it earth
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened