A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.