@JohnsonDiaz21: A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
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@awordforaword: "Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving" "Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids"
@TheMichaelRock: *texting with my mom* Mom: I miss your handsome face! Me: Aww..thanks, mom! I miss you too! Mom: Sorry. Wrong number.
@Xalqee: How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?