@JohnsonDiaz21: A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
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@cepheusjackson: SON: *first word* momma. MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT? ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck* He never comes down our street.
@sock_holliday: [Doctor's Office] Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live. Me: What's the good news? Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Guess what? ME: What? WIFE: Guess who said their first words today? ME: He didn't! WIFE: Yes he did ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say? WIFE: I was talking about your son ME: He said a whole sentence?!!
@ArfMeasures: Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES! Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure