A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family