@ericONEderful: A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
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@markedly: Things Ted Cruz and I have in common: 1. Love butter 2. Shy eyes 3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual 4. Brown hair
@BrianIncognito: My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
@jonlovett: If we can't hit our kids, what's next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?
@SortaBad: Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers? Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato? Exec: damn that's so good