@ericONEderful: A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
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@mattZillaaaa: Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven't spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
@Cheeseboy22: When people ask, "Don't I know you from somewhere?", I reply "Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."
@ruinedpicnic: J.K. Rowling: "Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything."
@Naked_Superman: Mom: Sorry, I won't be able to come in today. My son's got stuck in the washing machine. Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he? Mom: 27