A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
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I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?