A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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not to brag, but mine was free
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
This will never not be funny to me.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
This made me smile…
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.