A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Oh we’ve met.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.