A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Y’all know who you are.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.