A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
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“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.