A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
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I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Good boy 😂😂
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.