A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
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Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
We have a winner.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Mistakes were made
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.