@mattchew81: A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say "I'm bored, let's go brush your teeth!"
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@Rollinintheseat: *Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples* Baker: "When is your wedding?" Me: *with mouthful of cake* "What wedding?"
@1Happytwit: Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I've got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that's what clowns do.
@KeetPotato: reporter: "what inspired your theory of gravity" isaac newton: "i fell off the toil-" agent: [leans into mic] "an apple hit him on the head"
@shutupmikeginn: I'm thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I'm eating cereal.