A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”