Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
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It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Mornin
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?