A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
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Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
he’s doing your taxes
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.