Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
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Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
#TopTip
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I need to get some bricks…
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.