oppen heimer style lol
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Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
how high up are we talkin’?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem