A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Merry Christmas
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
when u come home smelling like another dog
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.