A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence