A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
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Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.