A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.