I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
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Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Good news
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?