[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Oops
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
early stone age tool
Midwest trash talk
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold