one last job
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[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Print is alive and well!!!
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
doing your own taxes
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.