@WotDLuck: A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
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@HairyJew4Life: The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early. Like father, like son.
@TheBeerGuy73: Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now.
@batkaren: "Mom, I'm an adult. There's nothing left for you to show me." (*folds a fitted sheet*) "TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD"