A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
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Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.