@Goldishocks: A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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@tastefactory: PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
@captainkalvis: [looking at a criminal line up] me: *gasps* holy shit cop: what? do you recognize your wife's killer? me: i have that same shirt [pressing intercom] #4 is that from Old Navy?
@: If other jobs got the same response as writing: -You're a fireman? Have you put out any famous fires? -You're a lifeguard? Can I be a victim in your next rescue? -You're a physicist? I have a few universe theories myself! -You're a chef? I'd do food too, but I never have time.
@Try2StopME: Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.