A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
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[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.