A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
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(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
#Caturday
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.