@TEXASVETERAN: A person dies every 3 seconds. How can a person die that many times?
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@DrDogMD: PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me. DR DOG: What's your job? PATIENT: Mailman DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*
@MartaEffing: We both want it. My lips part. His do, too. The tension pulsates. "I'll take the one w/ sprinkles!" And that's how I got the last one.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!? me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer? toddler [whispers] Because it was wet me: Because it was wet!
@TheToddWilliams: [cat adoption agency] Counselor: ...*slowly pushes my application off the counter* Me: What the hell? Counselor: You're not ready