the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
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thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.