@Brianhopecomedy: A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
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@GABBYdaAngSaya: [I see a cute girl reading a novel] "Hi there. I couldn't help but notice-" *points at book* "That you support the murder of trees."
@LoveNLunchmeat: Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE'RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
@ParasiteHilton: *”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl* Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr— *300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
@undeadmolly: I deliberately mispronounce 'quinoa' and then adjust the server's tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.