A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
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The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I’m having an out of money experience.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens