@Brianhopecomedy: A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
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@zachreinert03: I was watching tv with my mom & she was amazed a blind guy didn't care his son was missing & I was like outta sight outta mind am I right
@Ygrene: [Murderer enters my bedroom] Murderer: murdering time! Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers) Murderer: SON OF A
@dshack8: I'm the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says "Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?"