A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
You Might Also Like
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting