A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
You Might Also Like
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.