A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
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Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Meat Cute
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.