@_davidlucas_: A pet hedgehog. Because you don't have enough pricks in your life.
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@TheMichaelRock: Do women know that it's perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
@JukeJointJesse: Just logged into Facebook instead of Twitter and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.
@david8hughes: Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: I'm just gonna nap for an hour then