A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
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Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
When can I start eating bats again.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.